Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
