It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
