I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
