this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
