her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
