Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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