Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
