During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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