I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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