Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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