Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
