Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
