Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
