my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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