I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Randomize
