seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
