The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
