She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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