I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
