Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
