Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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