i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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