A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
