Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
