we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
