I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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