My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
