Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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