Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
