I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
she peed on how many people?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
