I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
