Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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