The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
