Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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