yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The air was thick with penises
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
