is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
