I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
