I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
