Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
