You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
