girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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