I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Randomize
