I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
