Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
