Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
