Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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