New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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