also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I have tasted many bathrooms
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
