dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize