The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
