The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
