dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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