Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
