so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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