I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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