At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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