Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
