yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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