I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
