I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
