This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
