college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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