I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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