One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
