U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You're a waste of cheezeits
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
