My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
