just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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