One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
