I wish my penis had an off switch
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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