I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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